Today is Mother’s Day. I reflect on the fact that I don’t have physical children and kept delaying that because I always wanted to grow and nurture the businesses inside of me and birth them into the world. For some women reading this, it might sound ludicrous that I wanted to have a company more than I wanted to have a baby, but it’s true in the deepest parts of my soul. I even commented to an ex-boyfriend in my early twenties that I wanted to hurry up and have a baby so I could “get that over with” as part of my life plan and what was expected of me and get back to running my company.
But in truth that is how I felt. There was a time when I was so consumed with the “idea” of being a mother that I dealt with a lot more than I should have from a few guys because they were convenient to start a family with. The madness of it all stemmed from the internal programming of society and how faith, ‘healthy’ faith was presented in the church I attended.
Every Sunday, Wednesday, and every other day in between I was subjected to a one-sided presentation that I was not ‘favored’ by God if I didn’t get married and have a child by the time I was a certain age. But on the other hand, you were expected to be obedient, serve the needs of the church, and wait for God to send a man for you by him miraculously walking into the sanctuary during one of our services, wait for him to ‘mature’ in the things of God, and then wait for him to select you out of the other 200 single women that have been there waiting for ‘a man’ to blow through the doors of the church, too.
Ok, yes the utter stupidity of it all. Sheer and utter madness.
Then one day it hit me that I settled into a pattern of waiting that spread like wildfire throughout my life. I was a go-getter and then somehow I turned into a ‘waiter.’ And that is the cruelty of it all. When I was waiting on God to send me a husband, so I could have a baby, so I could measure up to the standards of being ‘favored by God’ I was also waiting to realize the dreams that I have had since I was a kid. I was always told that I had to wait while others were in relationships, having babies, advancing in their careers, realizing their dreams, AND being favored by God.
The crazy thing is that I was already favored, however, whenever I stepped out to do things that were on my heart, the sledgehammer would come rattling down in an undertone of submission. “You are favored, but…”
Today is Mother’s Day and I am a product of waiting for the scenarios that were told me to be manifest. There are some things in life that we have to ready ourselves to receive, but by and large, I just think that most things you just go and get. Ultimately, I didn’t get to give birth to children that way. And I haven’t seen the businesses that I have carried in my heart for so many years come to life yet. But it’s Mother’s Day and I feel like giving birth to some things that I have carried past term. I am ready to bare down and push these babies out of the womb of my spirit. They have to come through the canal of time because I can’t hold them in any longer. I can’t worry about what I look like pushing them out and I’m definitely over the condescending negativity of my friends who offer a sympathetic nod with stupid statements and even more insensitive comments every chance they get.
It’s Mother’s Day and I am not sad, crying, disappointed, or disillusioned by the fact that I haven’t given birth to a baby because what I have come to realize is that what I am carrying is just as important to bring into this world as any human child could ever be. Because babies grow up and need jobs, education, support, and faith in the world that they grow up in. My babies are meant to supply those things so that other women’s babies have platforms to grow into. My declaration is clear:
“Next year about this time, I will have what the Lord promised would come from the womb of my spirit.”
From now on, I am excited to celebrate Mother’s Day as a day that I recognize that the miracle of conception and the beauty of childbirth can be celebrated in many forms because life is needed in many waves, in many seasons, and for many reasons.
Wherever you are and whoever you are It’s Mother’s Day and I celebrate you for the life that you have brought into this world!